My travels have taken me many places in this galaxy. I’ve traveled to the steppe planets of the Orendo system to sink my teeth into the freshest nerf steak that you’ll ever find. The forest moon of Endor where I braved the cannibal Ewoks to have a taste of the fungal delicacy that the locals refer to only as ‘endadja’ translated only as ‘eat this’. But this past week I had the opportunity to reach much much farther into the mysteries of our galaxies vast cuisine.
The story of most food reviews don’t start with a Jedi Knight, but this isn’t most food reviews. I met Obi-Wan Kenobi here, on Coruscant. An energetic and industrious young man, Obi-Wan has a lust for adventure that would take him far beyond the galaxies edge if there was a ship fast enough. For years I’ve been curious about the foods of the untouched races. The people so hostile and remote that even in our modern galaxy, they remain isolated. People like the infamous Tusken Raiders. And thank the gods there are people like Obi-Wan
I know Obi-Wan doesn’t give two wits about food. I’ve never managed to get him to order anything other than a #3 and I don’t think he even knows what’s in it. (Don’t tell him, he’d stop eating all together.) Obi-Wan just wants to venture into the unknown. See the galaxy and be the hero.
And so we set off to Mos Eisley, a space port on the planet Tatooine. A dangerous place for sure, but it’s hard to beat a Jedi Knight when it comes to protection. The Tusken Raiders have long had a place in our collective nightmares, but Tatooine is barely a blip on our scanners. And for good reason. If you’re not looking for trouble, or a novel way to forget your troubles, Tatooine might as well be left off your charts. I wouldn’t say that I was looking for trouble, but you don’t need a Jedi Knight to go to Quizblorg’s Fine Dining.
To avoid providing directions to the armature adventure seeker I’m not going to detail out how we made our way from Mos Eisley to a Tusken village. The Tusken’s don’t like to be found as you might expect. Obi-Wan acted as interpreter and wasn’t much interested in telling me all that was said. Thinking back, I wonder if we had come closer to death than I had thought at the time. Let’s just say that the influence that the Jedi can wield over lesser life forms is invaluable. (Of course, these powers don’t work on me, and certainly wouldn’t work on you.)
After the blasters were all lowered and a significant amount of money was exchanged we were welcomed (you might say) into the village. Simple bantha hide huts that looked like they could easily be packed up and carried to a new site were haphazardly placed around a central pit of coals that was so large and hot that the ground almost to the edge of the village was warm, even in the cold desert night.
We weren’t exactly guests so we were forced to simply observe and wait to discover our place in the mealtime ritual that would surely commence. Finally, well after dark, we noticed a procession of bantha being brought into the center of town. There was a flurry of Tuskens that followed. From the outskirts of the throng we watched as every member of the village (and us) began to wail and screech while enclosing the bantha into a tighter and tighter circle until they eventually fell in, crying out in pain, as the smell of burning hair could surly be smelt for Alderaan.
As long and as loud as the bantha moaned so did the Tuskens. When the bantha finally gave in and died the entire village went silent besides the sizzle and pop of the fire.
It was at this point that the blasters started firing. This went on for an hour as the crowd thinned and we were finally able to see what was happening. The Tuskens were firing into the burnt carcasses until a chunk would fall off and they would fish it out with long hooks that they had brought with them. We had not expected to need our own cutlery. I feared that we had traveled all this way, faced death, and smelled that horrible smell only to leave empty stomached. The hero, once again is Obi-Wan with his exceptional talent for manipulating objects with his mind. If this was a story i would have to call him a Mary Sue. Fortunately for me this is as real as the desert sands of Tatooine.
Speaking of desert sands; it seems that it is the only seasoning available to the Tuscens and the wind has a heavy hand.
Finally the time had come time to taste what we had come here to taste, which was apparently just bantha a la arson. Up until now I have tried to impress on you the sense of wonder one gets from traveling the galaxy to find new things and ways to eat, but that wonder evaporates at the thought of eating grilled hair. My ma’mas always told me that if I don’t have anything nice to say i shouldn’t say anything at all. So with that in mind I’ll say we ate the meat and went home.
It’s interesting the lengths we go to experience the unknown even though the unknown is often disappointing. Maybe it’s just to say we did it. Maybe that’s why you’ll come down to Dex’s Diner for our new Tuscen Style Bantha Burger, only available for a limited time. Maybe Maybe it’s just a bit of fun.
About the Author
All I care about in life is making good food for good people, and life has been good to me. I couldn’t do any of it without my wife Hermione Bagwa. Come down to Dex’s Diner for the best damn nerf this side of Alderaan.